статья

Why It’s So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult

You probably struggle with it too. Explained by Malika Nikolaeva, founder of the friend-finding app Frienda.
The idea for this piece came from a slightly depressing observation by the marketing lead and editor-in-chief of the PIKE: the search query "How to find friends" consistently ranks among the top browser searches (so now you know how we come up with catchy topics).

We decided to turn to an expert — Malika Nikolaeva, who created and launched an entire app dedicated to helping women find friends, Frienda. In this piece, she explains how many hours you need to spend together to call someone a friend, how male and female friendships differ, and how Frienda is different from Tinder.

Why is it so hard to find friends as an adult? Is this a recent problem or has it always existed?

Making friends as an adult has always been difficult. But the "loneliness epidemic" we’re seeing today is the result of both our biology and the dramatic way technology has reshaped our lifestyles. Several factors have come together at once.

First, we’ve lost “automatic” closeness

In our youth, friendships formed almost effortlessly — through school, university, neighborhoods, and shared social circles. When we see the same people regularly, we tend to like them simply because they’re always around. Over time, that turns into friendship. As adults, we rarely have environments like that anymore.

We spend far more time at home: working remotely, ordering groceries, exercising online, watching movies on laptops instead of going to the cinema, and maintaining connections via social media rather than in person. As a result, the chances of forming friendships offline have dropped significantly.

Second, we’re misled by the myth that friendship should “just happen”

Because friendships in youth often developed organically, we assume that’s how it should always work. But in adulthood, friendships rarely happen on their own. They require initiative, time, and repeated interactions. Research shows that people who believe friendship is purely a matter of luck tend to become lonelier with age. Those who understand that friendship requires effort are more likely to build strong social circles.

Third, our expectations are too high

We often expect a new person to understand us as deeply as childhood friends who’ve been through everything with us. But friendship doesn’t start with deep intimacy — it grows from shared experiences. If you expect to instantly meet your perfect best friend, you may become disappointed too quickly and push away people who could have become close over time.

And then there’s the illusion of social media

We increasingly confuse observing other people’s lives with real communication. Social media helps maintain old friendships but is not very effective for building new, meaningful ones. True friendship still depends on in-person interaction — reading facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and simply being physically present.

In short: friendship used to be a byproduct of life. Now it’s a separate area that requires intentional time and effort.

What are the key rules for strong friendships in adulthood?

See each other regularly and share new emotional experiences as often as possible.
The most important factor in friendship is frequency of contact. Without maintaining communication and investing time, even warm friendships gradually fade into casual acquaintance.
Want to quickly assess your social circle? Count how many people you congratulate on their birthdays each year — and how many congratulate you. That’s your circle. Missing a message once isn’t a big deal, but staying in each other’s lives requires at least occasional contact. At minimum, once a year — but ideally, you should meet in person.

Want to quickly assess your social circle? Count how many people you congratulate on their birthdays each year — and how many congratulate you

Want to quickly assess your social circle? Count how many people you congratulate on their birthdays each year — and how many congratulate you

Because friendship is strengthened not by texting, but by shared emotional experiences: laughing, crying, hugging, singing karaoke, dancing until morning, playing board games, having breakfast or dinner together, traveling — living pieces of life side by side.

The "loneliness epidemic" has led to a troubling trend in romantic life — replacing real partners with AI companions. Does AI affect our need for friendship?

There isn’t much direct research yet on AI’s impact specifically on friendship, so I’d split this into two parts: what we know about human connection in general, and my personal view.

From a biological perspective, real friendship isn’t built on words alone. Attachment depends on touch, hugs, nonverbal signals, physical presence, and shared real-life experiences. Also, having a "village" — a sense of belonging — is a fundamental human need tied to survival and safety. AI cannot provide that.

AI may temporarily satisfy “social hunger” and reduce motivation to seek real friendships. People might play around with it, but it won’t work long-term

AI may temporarily satisfy “social hunger” and reduce motivation to seek real friendships. People might play around with it, but it won’t work long-term

My personal opinion: AI may temporarily satisfy "social hunger" and reduce motivation to seek real friendships. People might play around with it, but it won’t work long-term. Only real relationships can truly and healthily satisfy that need. Humans need humans.

Tinder is often designed to keep users engaged rather than help them find a partner. How is Frienda different?

Tinder, in theory, helps you find one romantic partner — after which you no longer need the app. Frienda solves a different problem: it helps you build a "village" of friends — not just one person, but a whole range of connections, from a best friend to build a life with to someone you might meet once for yoga or a concert.

You can have far more friends than romantic partners. We don’t need to artificially keep users inside the app. On the contrary, we aim to help women find friends quickly so they’ll come back.

We also see Frienda as more than just adapting dating mechanics for friendship. For example, we’re interested in connecting women not only by city but also within existing communities. This supports women’s communities while helping community managers attract new members for free. We’ve already launched this feature and are currently testing it with the first 20 communities.

What else distinguishes Frienda’s mechanics from Tinder?

At first, we launched Frienda with a mechanic very similar to Tinder: you browse profiles, send likes, and wait for a mutual match. If you want to see incoming requests, you purchase a subscription.

In practice, however, this model proved unintuitive for many users. A significant share of women on Frienda are already in relationships and have never used dating apps, so the very logic of matching isn’t immediately clear to them.

Secondly, we ran into a familiar issue for the category: ghosting. Some users would like profiles indiscriminately, accumulate matches, but never move the conversation forward, or drop off shortly after it began. Formally, a connection was made, but it rarely translated into real-life friendships or meetings.
This year, we tested several solutions and ultimately introduced a requirement: every like must be accompanied by a compliment — a short, personal message. The effect was immediate. Instead of tapping a button, users now have to pause, consider the person, and say something intentional.

According to our internal data, the impact has been significant: the likelihood of a match turning into an actual friendship has reached 75%, while the number of conversations post-match has tripled.

Internally, we call this dynamic "queens bowing to each other" — a way of describing connections that begin with attention, respect, and mutual support, rather than a coincidence.

Why is Frienda only for women? Is female friendship fundamentally different from male friendship?

One simple reason: I’m a woman, and female friendship matters deeply to me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt a stronger need for it — discussing children, beauty routines, women’s health, menopause prevention, family relationships, and more. Time with female friends feels restorative — almost like a biological need.

I’m also inspired by the idea of bringing people together. Bring women together — and you bring the world together. I truly believe we need this now.

More broadly, research shows that male and female friendships tend to differ. Men often bond in groups and build closeness through shared activities — sports, work, hobbies. Female friendship tends to center more on emotional support and deep conversation.

Bring women together — and you bring the world together

Bring women together — and you bring the world together

Women also have a unique form of connection — the "BFF": an intense platonic bond that can rival romantic relationships in emotional depth and trust. This is less common in male friendships.

At the same time, there’s a paradox: male friendships are generally more stable over time and can withstand long gaps in communication. Female friendships are often deeper and more intense, but also more fragile. Losing a close female friend can feel almost like a breakup.

Women tend to have more social connections — yet also suffer more from loneliness. Friendship has a direct impact on physical and mental health. For example, women without friends have a 63% higher risk of dying from breast cancer and a 43% higher risk of recurrence.

That’s why Frienda is for women. The need for female friendship is real — and still underestimated.

Users say the free plan doesn’t allow enough “sparks” to get even one good match. Why limit connections so much?

According to our data, users previously sent about three friend requests per week. Now, even in the free version, introverts can send seven sparks — one per day. So technically, there are more opportunities than before.

We don’t want to follow the path of dating apps, where users endlessly swipe, collect matches, and never build real connections. That works especially poorly for friendship. So we deliberately focus on quality over quantity.

Friendship apps are a new category — there’s no ready-made template

Friendship apps are a new category — there’s no ready-made template

Friendship apps are a new category — there’s no ready-made template. We’re essentially building this product together with our users, based on research into female friendship: testing hypotheses, analyzing data, listening to feedback, and then making decisions.
We have many ideas for improving the mechanics. But our priority isn’t in-app activity — it’s helping women actually connect, meet, and build real friendships.

Is it possible to find friends offline? How?

Not just possible — necessary. Socializing is like a muscle: the less you use it, the weaker it becomes.
Practically speaking, two things matter most.

First, consistency

You won’t instantly become friends with people you randomly met once. You need repeated interactions — seeing the same people regularly and gradually getting closer. One-off events like lectures or business breakfasts rarely work. Better formats include ongoing courses, tennis classes, running clubs, dance studios, or business communities.

Second, shared interests and life context

Start by doing something you genuinely enjoy. Then, among the people there, look for those with one or two additional overlaps — maybe you’re both entrepreneurs, or both mothers with children of similar ages, or from the same city.
Friendship rests on seven pillars: shared values, similar career or educational paths, language, background, hobbies, sense of humor, and music taste. Even one or two overlaps can spark a connection.

And from my personal experience, intense shared experiences work especially well: sports camps, climbing Mount Elbrus, group trips. Why? Because building friendship requires around 100 hours of quality time together — and travel accelerates that process. People who relax and travel in the same way as you often turn out to be kindred spirits.
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Date of the article's release: spring 2026